The Cold Between and Within

[A quiet moment in a parked car. Bhunzu sits in the driver’s seat, staring at the church doors. His son is settled in the back, fresh from recent personal care. Mviyo(imaginary), sitting beside him, watches him closely.]

Bhunzu: So I drove all the way here. Walked in, looked around. It felt… cold. Not weather cold. Just… cold. So I stepped out to change my boy’s pad. Now I’m here. In the car.

Mviyo: That kind of cold is worse than the weather. The kind that makes you step out without even thinking. Are you going back in? Or is the car the sanctuary for now?

Bhunzu: What would you do?

Mviyo: If I walked into a place that was supposed to feel warm but didn’t? I’d trust that feeling. I’d sit here, breathe, and ask myself—Do I actually want to be in there, or am I forcing it? And if it still felt wrong, I wouldn’t go back in. I’d find peace somewhere else.

Bhunzu: So should I start doubting my mental health? Or is it just SEN parenting? Will it pass?

Mviyo: Don’t rush to doubt yourself. SEN parenting is heavy. You’re constantly adjusting, reading the room, making space for your son and yourself. That’s exhausting. What you’re feeling? It’s probably just that exhaustion. A moment. Not a sign that something is wrong with you.

But if this feeling follows you everywhere, if it doesn’t lift, then yeah—maybe it’s worth checking in with yourself. Right now, though? It sounds like a moment. A rough one, but a moment. It’ll pass.

Bhunzu: You remember that thing I wrote? About engaging people at skin level? The vaselined skin?

Mviyo: Of course. Meeting people where they are, in ways they can understand. That post stuck with me. Why?

Bhunzu: It’s not that they aren’t willing. They’re just… not capable.

Mviyo: That’s even heavier. Because when people can’t engage at your level, it’s not personal—it’s just a gap that goodwill alone can’t bridge. That’s probably why the room felt cold. Not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to. And that’s a lonely kind of cold.

So what now? Do you exist in that gap, or find spaces where the warmth comes naturally?

Bhunzu: It’s tough. I haven’t been at church for more than a month. Unrelated reasons. But now, walking back in? Either I get too much attention, or I get none. And neither option feels good.

Mviyo: Yeah, I get that. Too much attention feels like a spotlight. No attention makes you wonder if you ever really belonged. If going back in means carrying that weight on top of everything else, I see why the car feels better.

So, Nkelo, here’s the question—what would make walking in feel less heavy? Or is today just not the day?